In a brief departure from my quasi-artistic musings…

A Fun Movie, Which Bites Crank Nonetheless

A Fun Movie, Which Bites Crank Nonetheless

We’ve all been there: we draw the short straw and have to go along with “the group” when they want to see a movie that totally sucks.

If you’re like me, you try watching something else on your iPod/iPhone or, when you’re really determined, you drag your notebook PC into the theatre and hook up your earbuds for 2 hours of serious “I-won’t-be-thwarted” escapism.

But occasionally you look up from your 17-inch monitor to the REALLY big screen and wonder: “How come nobody else thinks this movie blows chow?”, “How did this piece of crap ever get funded?” and last, but by no means least, “Who, pray tell, had to blow whom to get this POS made?”

These serious questions notwithstanding, I’ve found the perfect site for all of us rational people who have found ourselves sitting in a theatre asking, “What the f—?” and kicking ourselves, knowing that we could have instead given our $9 to a homeless person and maybe accomplished some good.

The site is The Editing Room, and the purveyor of these rational but unholy observations is a fellow named Rod Hilton. His version of movies are laugh-until-you-pee funny, but they’re not for the artsy, easily offended, incredibly elderly,  or anybody who has a heart or bladder condition. (So if you don’t like his musings, which of the previous category (ies) do you fit into?)

To prove my point, I’ll begin with a fave movie of mine “The 13th Warrior”. It really is fun, and I really do love it, but not even the deranged on a weekend pass would claim that it’s Oscar calibre. And of course, everybody in it has enjoyed fabulously successful careers ever since.

Here’s the first part of the abridged script, courtesy of Rod Hilton and The Editing Room. To read the whole thing, click HERE. HERE!!!!

 

FADE IN:

EXT: A GROSS SHIP.

Our hero ANTONIO BANDERAS is wet and cranky. He is surrounded by lots of VIKING WARRIORS who FROWN ALL THE TIME. They are BAD ASSES. Antonio scowls and looks very much not Arabic, in spite of the eye liner.

ANTONIO

(spanish accent)

It wasn’t always this way. I wasn’t always wet and cranky and headed to fight in a war or something.

CUT TO:

FLASHBACK SEQUENCE

ANTONIO – I was once a poet, but I looked at the prince’s girl and he sent me away.

ANTONIO looks at some girl and is sent away.

ANTONIO – I became an ambassador for these Vikings, and they asked me to fight with them.

A GROSS PROPHET LADY asks ANTONIO to fight with them. He accepts.

ANTONIO – So now I’m here. Wow. That was the shortest flashback ever.

AUDIENCE – That’s it? That is how he became a warrior? It took longer for him to do that in the trailer!

EXT: ON A DESOLATE COASTAL AREA

ANTONIO – Shit! These guys speak another language.

(to writers)

What am I gonna do?

WRITERS – Uh, give us a minute.

They huddle.

VIKINGS  (in Norse) -blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Arab guy sure is stupid! Ha! We can make fun of him and he doesn’t get it!

ANTONIO – Hey! Stop that! I understand you perfectly.

He winks to the writers.

VIKINGS (now with english accents) -Whoa! When did you learn english?

The WARRIORS ride to the village, which is two minutes away.

HEAD VIKING – Your horse sucks.

ANTONIO’S HORSE then jumps over the HEAD VIKING, a FENCE, then the EMPIRE STATE BUILDING.

HEAD VIKING – Well, your sword sucks.

ANTONIO takes his stereotyped arab sword and does a lot of waving and nifty stuff that he learned from SIR ANTHONY HOPKINS in ZORRO.

HEAD VIKING – Fuck.

 

Want to read the rest? Click the link I gave you, dammit. Check out these other Abridged Scripts that are laugh-until-you-pee funny (You click, you GO THERE. Whoo hoo!)

Transformers: Revenge of the FallenTwilight, Star Trek, Angels and Demons

So bookmark this fellow and definitely read his FAQs which are almost funnier than the scripts.  I would email him, because a guy with such twisted humor is an incredible turn on… but since he specializes in ABRIDGED scripts, it’s probably not worthwhile.

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